Knowing Yourself—and Training Others How to Treat You

Aristotle wrote that knowing yourself is the beginning of wisdom. That insight remains profoundly relevant today—especially in our relationships, both professional and personal.

In any relationship, we need to feel that we have enough agency over our lives and some capacity to get our needs met. A critical life skill, then, is learning how to assert what we need and—consciously or unconsciously—train others to treat us with the respect and consideration we deserve.

But to do this, we must first believe that we are deserving, capable, and worthy of respect.

If we don’t mindfully train people how to treat us, we often do so unconsciously. This leads to an important—and sometimes uncomfortable—question:
If I am not getting the respect or consideration I want, how might I be training people to treat me?

For example, when someone is “too” nice or overly accommodating, they may inadvertently train others to take advantage of them. What we experience in our relationships—whether at work or at home—is almost always a co-creation. In conflict, each party plays a role in sustaining a dynamic no one truly wants. Yet we are often far more aware of how others affect us than of how we affect them.

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Four Core Personality Orientations

Throughout history—from the Greeks to modern psychology—there has been a recurring recognition of four primary personality orientations. While different systems describe them with varying language and depth, a strikingly consistent thread runs through them all.

Here is a simple way to visualize these four orientations:

• Expressive / Creative / Free-Spirited

• Relationship-Oriented / People-Focused (Soft Skills)

• Driver / Results-Oriented (Hard Skills)

• Analytical / Detail-Focused / Task-Oriented

Most of us are a combination of two dominant orientations. Chances are, you can already locate yourself on this grid. For instance, I lean toward the relationship-oriented and expressive quadrants, which aligns well with my work as a coach, trainer, writer, and educator.

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Knowing Yourself Requires Knowing Others

Paradoxically, we can’t fully know ourselves unless we know others—and we can’t truly understand others unless we know ourselves. The ancient maxim “Know thyself,” attributed to Socrates, is as relevant now as it was then.

Jungian analyst James Hollis captured this well when he wrote:

“The prevailing source of conflict between individuals arises from differences in personal typologies.”

When we understand our own psychological template—and gain insight into the templates of others—we become better equipped to relate, parent, manage, motivate, mentor, and collaborate with people who are different from us. Had I understood this earlier in my career as a sales trainer, I could have doubled the range of people I was effective with.

Self-knowledge gives us empathy. It helps us handle conflict more productively and form more collaborative professional relationships—and more rewarding personal ones.

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Psychological Maturity and Acceptance

A hallmark of psychological maturity is the ability to fully accept oneself. From that place, it becomes far easier to accept others.

When we are psychologically healthy, we can be flexible in dealing with people and willing to own how we impact those around us. If we hurt or slight someone, the appropriate response is remorse followed by repair. Judgment, on the other hand, usually signals a lack of understanding. Once we judge, we tend to filter out information that contradicts our view and behave in ways that subtly provoke the other person into confirming our assumptions.

Letting go of judgment allows us to address behaviors that are genuinely unacceptable or counterproductive—without blaming, shaming, or shutting others down.

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Why This Matters at Work—and in Life

Abraham Maslow showed that when our relational needs are met, we are freed to pursue higher-level needs such as meaning, purpose, and contribution. In workplaces, this translates directly into performance.

As developmental psychologist Kurt Fischer observed,

“A supportive environment allows individuals to work at higher levels of complexity.”

Given that much conflict arises from basic differences in personality orientation, I am convinced that we can learn to work—and live—together more effectively.

In my next post, I’ll explore how each personality type responds to stress, and how different types can unintentionally trigger one another into anger, defensiveness, or withdrawal.

Stay tuned.