When the Dominoes Fall: How Hidden Triggers Shape Our Relationships and Leadership

A senior executive once told me he was close to losing his job.

Not because he lacked intelligence, competence, or drive. By every traditional measure, he was successful. Yet his colleagues experienced him as intimidating, impatient, and sometimes openly hostile. Even minor disagreements could trigger strong reactions. Morale on his team was deteriorating, and senior leadership had begun to notice.

Around that time, he had a dream.

He saw a long line of dominoes standing upright. One tipped into the next, and then another, until the entire line collapsed in a rapid chain reaction.

The dream stayed with him.

As we explored the image together, its meaning slowly emerged. The events of his life had also fallen like dominoes.

He had grown up with a father who was physically abusive. His older brother and others often bullied him. For years he felt small, vulnerable, and powerless.

Then one summer during adolescence something changed. He had a sudden growth spurt, began lifting weights, and became physically strong. In that moment he made a powerful inner decision:

“No one is ever going to mess with me again.”

Another domino fell.

From that point forward, he became the aggressor. What had once been a survival strategy—protecting himself from humiliation and harm—was now shaping how he responded to colleagues decades later. Even ordinary disagreement could trigger aggressive reactions.

His nervous system was reacting as if he were still that vulnerable boy.

The dream of the dominoes revealed something important: his behavior had a history.

Once he could see the pattern, something shifted. Instead of defending his reactions, he became curious about them. Over time, colleagues began to notice a different leader emerging—more patient, more thoughtful, even good-humored.

In many ways, he was becoming the person he had been before the pain shaped his defenses.

Dreams as Messages from the Unconscious

The Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung believed that dreams are one of the psyche’s most powerful ways of communicating with us. When we are caught in patterns we cannot easily see, the unconscious often speaks through images and metaphors.

Dreams rarely explain themselves logically. Instead, they present us with pictures that illuminate something hidden.

In this case, the image of falling dominoes captured a chain reaction linking early experiences of fear and humiliation to present-day leadership behavior. What once helped this executive survive had gradually hardened into a pattern that was now creating problems in his relationships.

Dreams often invite us to become conscious of what has been unconsciously shaping our lives.

When We Are Triggered

Modern neuroscience offers another lens for understanding these patterns.

When we perceive threat—whether physical or emotional—the brain’s alarm system, the amygdala, activates our ancient survival response: fight, flight, or freeze. Psychologist Daniel Goleman called this an “amygdala hijack.”

In these moments our reflective thinking brain temporarily steps aside. Instead of responding thoughtfully, we react automatically.

We may:

• Fight: criticize, attack, control, or become defensive
• Flight: withdraw, avoid, or disengage
• Freeze: shut down or become passive

These reactions once protected us from physical danger. But in modern relationships—especially in workplaces—they often escalate conflict rather than resolve it.

Adding another layer, human beings are wired for emotional contagion. Through tone, posture, and facial expression, our nervous systems influence each other. The tension carried by one person can quickly spread throughout a room or an entire team.

Before long, everyone is operating from their “danger zones.”

The Stories We Tell About Others

When we are emotionally triggered, we often begin constructing stories about the other person.

They are too controlling.
Too passive.
Too demanding.
Too sensitive.

Soon the conclusion becomes: “They are the reason I feel this way.”

Psychiatrist Eric Berne described these recurring relational patterns as “the games people play.”

Once we assign someone a role in our mental script, our minds begin filtering reality. We notice the behaviors that confirm our beliefs and overlook those that contradict them.

Ironically, we may even provoke the behaviors we dislike.

If we believe people take advantage of us, we may become overly accommodating.
If we believe people cannot be trusted, our guardedness may cause others to become guarded in return.

We then point to the evidence and say:

“See? I knew it.”

In this way our perceptions quietly shape the reality we experience.

Why Judgment Feels So Good

Why is it so easy to judge others and blame them for our distress?

Because judgment protects us from something more uncomfortable: our own vulnerability.

Researcher Brené Brown has shown that when we feel shame or emotional exposure, we instinctively move into self-protection—blaming, criticizing, or distancing ourselves from others.

Blame can feel powerful in the moment. But it also shuts down curiosity, empathy, and learning.

Jungian analyst John A. Sanford once observed a paradox:

When we judge others, we often become like them.

The qualities we condemn in others can quietly take root within ourselves.

The Leadership Opportunity

These dynamics become especially powerful in leadership.

Leaders influence not only strategy and decisions but also the emotional climate of the systems around them. When leaders operate from anxiety, defensiveness, or anger, those emotions ripple outward through the organization.

Teams become cautious. Creativity declines. People stop speaking openly.

But leaders who develop awareness of their triggers create something very different: environments where people feel respected, heard, and psychologically safe.

Often the turning point begins with a simple question:

What is being triggered in me right now?

That moment of reflection can interrupt the domino chain reaction.

Freeing Others from Our Stories

Spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle writes:

“Most often we equate what appears to be with the truth. We can imprison others in our ideas about them—or we can free them by truly seeing who they are.”

When we become aware of the stories we are telling about others, we regain a measure of freedom.

Instead of reacting automatically, we can pause, become curious, and respond more consciously.

This process is not always comfortable. As Carl Jung wrote:

“There is no coming to consciousness without pain.”

Yet this discomfort is often the doorway to deeper relationships, wiser leadership, and personal growth.

A Few Questions for Reflection

You might take a moment to reflect:

• What situations tend to trigger strong emotional reactions in me?
• What earlier experiences might be part of that “domino chain”?
• What story might I be telling about someone that could benefit from curiosity rather than certainty?

Sometimes the most important leadership work we do is not changing others.

It is becoming more aware of the dominoes within ourselves.